Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
