the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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