it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
