I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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