Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
