Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
