True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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