my phone needs a breathalizer
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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