I faked an abortion last night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
