Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
