I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
