Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
