I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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