I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
