They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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