When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
