and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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