He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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