About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
