The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So squirting runs in the family.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
