im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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