I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
