She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
