I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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