If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
