I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
