That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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