her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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