so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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