I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
