I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
