I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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