I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
