I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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