I am in a vortex of obligation.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
