My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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