i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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