I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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