I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
