Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
