Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
