thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
