I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
