I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
