Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
