my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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