I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize