I cannot find my penis.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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