So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
