I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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