I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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