is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
