Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
