There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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