I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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