I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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