I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
