i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
